Saying Yes! / Commitment Phobia

Saying Yes! is a lot harder than I thought. It makes me tired just thinking about saying yes. Literally exhausted. I knew I had a problem, but this is way worse than I thought. I think it's part commitment phobia kicking in. Its' that once I say Yes!, then I actually have to follow through with it. I view whatever I have committed to as a task that I have to accomplish and check off my list. I think about how I am tied down to this huge commitment, however small it may actually be, and then I obsess about it until I can accomplish it and move on? I have issues. Moving on.

Erin, a friend of mine, asked me to go camping this coming weekend. Saying that I could probably go for a night qualifies as a yes, right? I like this person, but I'd rather make a trip to the gym and then lay in bed all day. Trip to gym constitutes guilt free slothery.

My ex, Tavio, has invited me to San Diego where he spends time living on an avocado reserve. It is absolute heaven. Avocado's, oranges, grapefruits and lemons all rolling around. Mix those oranges with some vodka...the place is amazing. He even offered to spot the ticket? This, was my first easy Yes! Spotting the ticket means I don't have to pay it back right?..I should have clarified.

I did decide that I am allowed to say No, or rather fuck no, to work opportunities that present themselves. I work enough. I am not trying to work my life away.

I responded to the lad who wanted to take a weekend trip. It has been a lengthy conversation.
Him: Let's meet up in the mountains in TN or KY some weekend
Me: Sure. I would be up for it as friends, but not romantically
Him: How about fromantically?
I don't even know what that means, but I consider that I did my Yes! part and that's that.

Day two and I am not nearly as excited. Actually not excited at all.

This day started out so much better 15 hours ago when I woke up excited to say Yes! I am not currently as excited.

One of the exemptions from my Yes! rule was supposed to be work, but I can't make up my mind, and now I am faced with a dilemma. Today a co-worker asked me if I could cover a few hours for her at the end of this month. Technically I could, but I don't want to. I mean I REALLY don't want to. I am already working quite a share that week, but this person has gone way out of her way to help me when I needed it, and to show me great kindness. That said, I don't believe the purpose of saying Yes! is to work more and so I have not yet answered.

Secondly, a young lad whom I have had relations with in the past, suggested we take a weekend together. This is a very big dilemma indeed because I don't want to do that either. I mean I REALLY REALLY don't want to do that and I most certainly don't want to give him any impression that I am romantically interested in him. I would much rather crawl under a rock and go to sleep. Then I do what I want, when I want, which is apparently nothing, ever. That way I can complain that I am single and alone all the time.

Here I will mention that my co-worker wants me to work for her so that she can go on a date? a date? This girl has had one long term relationship, a couple dating relationships and then another long term relationship, all while I sit along the wayside gathering cobwebs, and being very busy sleeping.

It's not entirely true that I sleep all the time. I am actually quite busy. Or at least I have been up until now. I recently quit the band that I was in, and for good reason, but it has left quite a gap in the ol schedule, and a huge hole in my heart, which is the main reason I just want to never leave my room, or house, or bed.

So today's Yes!es are on hold, that way, they don't technically qualify as a noes! Today I got kicked in the nose. I did. I thought it quite fitting to put it right there next to the noes. Goodnight.

The beginning of my own yes adventure.

If you've read "Yes Man" or seen the movie, then you will know what this blog is about. If you haven't, then this is all new to you and I probably won't take the time to fill you in, but..it's a simple concept. Essentially, say yes to living your life.

 

So today I started my own yes adventure. I'm still making up a few rules, which may disqualify me from a true yes experience, but it's my own adventure so fuck off. (not really, I like you). 

I tend to say no to everything because I'd rather go to sleep. Or make money. Or doing something by myself. Needless to say, I am a well rested, sort of financially stable, lonely person. I travel a lot, by myself. I take risks. (Long pause and staring at two chairs here to think of my last risk). Moving on. 

Fail:

I said no to lunch with my roommate and her boyfriend today, but only because she had just asked if I was hungry and I had said no. Should I have said yes?

Yes:

Martin texted me wondering if I was going out tonight. I hesitated to write back. I didn't want to go out. I wanted to stay in and go to sleep early as I have to work in the morning, and as I was already in bed (at 4PM). So I said yes, but only for a short while. He asked me to bring my bass and clarinet. I said yes to this as well. 

So tonight I played bass at a bar across the bridge. I was really hoping he wouldn't remember that he'd asked me to bring my clarinet, and he didn't. It was actually quite fun. I sounded shitty as I didn't know a single song, but then again, "no one listens to the bass line anyway", according to the lead singer of the band I just recently quit. 

People were smiling and having a good time and so was I! I might do that again sometime. 

Fail:

I did say no when asked to sing a song tonight, but for good reason. I lost my voice yesterday and am still looking for it.

Yes:

Last year I told my friend Laura that I was going to audition for the Voice. Today I signed up to do that very thing. This coming June. It's a month and a week away. My roommate has said that she will accompany me on the journey, which will be fantastic. Now I may have just fooled myself into thinking that I don't care if I make it to a second round (if there are rounds), but if I have, I am a very good fooler indeed, because I think just going and auditioning for the experience, is prize enough. We'll see how I feel in June.

So more yes. less no. 

Some exclusions do apply.